Composing my thoughts

I don't usually write on here and if I do I never publish. I have a hard time organizing my thoughts to put down. Too many come at once and leave just as quickly. I have decided, however, that I need to stop searching for people I want and let them come to me and do the opposite with my dreams and goals. I've been doing it backward for the past 20some odd years. People re overrated and society dwindles down more each day. Everyone seems to thing they're owed something but they're not. Nobody deserves anything or anyone so you should all be lucky who and what is there and sticks around. For the time being I will continuously be a pessimist and I'm not the only one. Most people agree but won't admit it. I keep losing faith in humanity. How am I supposed to find a man to love when I can't trust my only family and only can depend on a few friends? The only man I have my eye in is a genuine person. I think I fell I love with him once but I could be wrong. Hell I thought I fell I love with my ex and after a month of self reflection I realized I was purging my feelings of wanting someone into him rather than feeling anything for him as a person. He was just an unrealistic idea of what I wanted. And what's even more terrible than the fact I wasted my past few months of life on him is that it caused me to no longer keep in contact with said first-party man. Men are simple creatures more so than women but I still haven't figured them out. I'd say it's because I'm young and have a lot to experience but I know women decades older than me that feel the same. Maybe that previous man will make sense to me more so than now, someday. Can't believe I wrote. I'll try to write more often.